Avoid Speaking When Angry

One of the most important qualities of a great leader is the ability to control their words—especially when angry.

It’s easy in theory: Don’t speak when you’re out of control. But in practice? It’s much harder.

Interestingly, this is often more difficult at home than at work. At work, we maintain professionalism. We rarely say things like:

"I can't believe you said that again. I've been listening to this for years. I'm so sick of you doing this."

Yet at home, we sometimes speak this way to the very people we love the most.

Mastering the discipline of not speaking when angry or out of control is crucial. That doesn’t mean you should never get angry—anger is a natural part of life. The key is to avoid speaking while you’re angry.

I’m not a neuroscientist, but research suggests that when we’re angry, our IQ drops by about 20 points. And when our IQ drops, the likelihood of saying something we’ll regret skyrockets.

Think about it—how many times have you said something in anger that you later wished you could take back?

One of the greatest leaders I’ve ever met, Frances Hesselbein, former national executive director of the Girl Scouts of the USA, put it perfectly:

"Why should I be entrusted to control anything else if I cannot even control myself?"

Before you speak, take a breath. Ask yourself, Why am I saying this?

If the answer is because I’m angry, then don’t say it.

A Personal Lesson from My Son

Years ago, I asked my kids for feedback on how I could be a better father. My son, Brian, gave me a simple but powerful answer:

"Don’t yell at me."

I thought about it. I wouldn’t yell at my customers. I didn’t yell at my wife. So why was I yelling at my son? That moment was a wake-up call.

I promised him, "I won’t yell at you."

For seven months, I kept my word. Then one day, I slipped. My son called me out immediately:

"There you go. I asked you to do one thing, and you couldn’t even do it."

I didn’t get defensive. Instead, I committed to doing better.

From that moment on, I started checking in with him weekly:

"How did I do this week? Did I yell?"

Week after week—didn’t yell, didn’t yell, didn’t yell.

After another seven months, Brian finally said, "Don’t worry about it. I’m a teenager. You yell sometimes. It’s not a big deal."

The lesson? The effort to control anger matters. And the people around you notice.

Take a moment to reflect:

• Think of three or four times in your life when you spoke while angry or out of control.

• What was the outcome?

• How much regret did you have afterward?

Learn from the past and apply it to the future.

When anger takes over, breathe.

If you’re angry or out of control, don’t talk.

It’s a simple rule—but one that can change your leadership, your relationships, and your life.