Stakeholder Centered Leadership Model

I’d like to share with you a proven model for leadership development—a model that I’ve used to coach leaders, build teams, and help people around the world become more effective in both their professional and personal lives. This model works because it’s rooted in behavior. It’s not about theory or inspirational slogans—it’s about what you actually do, day in and day out, with the people you work with and care about.

Whether you’re a CEO, a manager, a team member, or a parent, these steps will help you grow. This is the essence of how I teach leaders to develop themselves, how I coach behavior change, and how I help teams build trust and momentum. It’s simple, practical, and—most importantly—proven.

Here are the eight steps: Ask, Listen, Think, Thank, Respond, Involve, Change, and Follow-Up. Let’s start with the first step.

1. Ask

Get in the habit of asking people one important question: “How can I be better?” It could be “How can I be a better manager? A better partner? A better team member? A better parent?” Whoever the people are that matter most in your life, ask them how you can be better for them.

I’ve asked that question many times in my life, but one of the most meaningful moments came when I began asking it at home. Years ago, my daughter Kelly was 11 years old, and my son Bryan was 9. I started asking them the question: “What can I do to be a better parent?” Now, the problem with asking this question is that you get the answer.

Kelly said, “Daddy, you travel a lot. That’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is the way you act when you come home. You talk on the telephone. You watch sports. You don’t spend much time with me.”

Then she gave me an example I’ll never forget. “One time it was Saturday, and I wanted to go to a party at my friend’s house. Mommy didn’t let me go to that party because she said I needed to spend time with you. Then you spent no time with me. That wasn’t right.”

What could I say? All I could say was, “Thank you.” And then I said, “Daddy’s going to do better.”

I made a commitment to keep track of how many days I could spend at least four hours with my family. In 1991, it was 92 days. In 1992, 110 days. In 1993, 131 days. In 1994, 135 days.

Here’s what’s interesting: in the year I spent 135 days with my family, I made more money than in any year when I only spent 20 days. What did I learn? That the San Diego Chargers don’t really care about me. It took me a while to figure that out, but it’s true.

Then came January 1, 1995. I was so proud. I had my little charts. Both kids were now teenagers. I said, “Kids, look—135 days, four hours with Daddy! What goal should we set for this year? How about 150?”

They both said, “No, Daddy. You have overachieved.” My son added, “Fifty is a better target.” They both voted for a massive cutback of old Daddy.

I learned another good lesson. When they’re little, they need us. When they get older, we need them. It’s very good to do this stuff at work—but even better to do it at home.

I once taught this in a class for Kaiser Permanente. A woman in the class, Trudy Shriner, said something I’ll never forget. She said, “There’s one thing you always leave out.”

She told me she had taken my class twice, read everything I’d written, and said, “Please ask people to do this with their parents.”

She went home from my class and talked to her 17-year-old child. She asked, “What can I do to be a better mother?” It led to a nice conversation. Then her child asked her, “How can I be a better son?”

That moment moved her. She said, “I should call my own mother.”

So she did. She called her mother and asked, “What can I do to be a better daughter?” Her mother said, “Daddy’s dead. I live alone in the country. Every day I take a long walk up the road to go to the mailbox. Almost every day, there’s nothing in the mailbox. Every day that happens, it makes me sad and lonely. As your mother, it would mean so much to me if you just sent me a little picture or a card or something. So when I walk to the mailbox, I would find something there.”

Trudy started sending her mother pictures and cards every day. What did it cost her? Nothing. What did it mean to her mother? Everything.

She sent me an email later that said her mother had just died. The last thing her mother said to her? “Thank you for doing that.”

If your parents are still alive, this is a wonderful thing to do—for three reasons.

First, it’s good for them. Even if they say you don’t have anything to improve, they’ll be proud that you cared enough to ask.

Second, it’s good for you. The number one regret children have when their parents die? “Why didn’t I thank them for the nice things they did to help me?” “Why was I so critical all the time?”

And third, if you have little children, it’s great for them. Why? Because the old people you’re calling up today? You’re going to be those old people. Do you want your kid calling you? Your children aren’t going to listen to what you say—they’re going to watch what you do.

Our values aren’t what we say. Our values are what we do.

Ask yourself: Who do I need to ask, “How can I be better?” Maybe it’s your direct reports. Your team members. Your parents. Your kids. Your spouse. Your partner. Whoever that person is—ask them. Get in the habit. Because when you ask the most important people in your life how you can be better, and you learn what they think, everything starts to change.

2. Listen

After you ask, the next step is to listen. And this is where most people mess up.

We ask for feedback, and what’s the first thing we want to do? Talk. Explain. Justify. Defend. “I didn’t mean it that way.” “You don’t understand the whole context.”

But if you do that, what’s the message you’re sending? You’re not listening. You’re not really open to input. You just want to be right.

I teach my clients—and I try to live this myself—when someone gives you feedback, stop. Breathe. Don’t speak. Don’t rush to your defense. Just listen.

Treat what people are saying like a gift. Because that’s what it is.

One of the greatest leaders I’ve ever met was Frances Hesselbein. She was the CEO of the Girl Scouts of the USA and later ran the Frances Hesselbein Leadership Institute. She had 20 honorary PhDs, edited academic journals, and inspired countless people around the world. Peter Drucker once said she was the greatest leader he had ever met.

One thing Frances did before she spoke? She paused. She thought.

She once said, “Why should I be entrusted to control anything else if I cannot even control myself?”

What a powerful quote. And what a powerful practice.

Avoid speaking when angry or out of control. Avoid speaking just to react. Listen first.

3. Think

Once you’ve asked and listened, don’t skip to the next step. Take time to think.

Reflect on what you heard. Let it settle. Don’t react impulsively.

Let me tell you about one of the most humbling lessons in my life. Years ago, I spent time in a monastery in France with Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk. We were encouraged to meditate on different topics. One day, the topic was anger.

He said, “Think of a time in your life when you became angry and lost control of your behavior.”

Immediately, I remembered a moment with my daughter Kelly. She was 14 at the time. And she had become a pioneer—perhaps even ahead of Britney Spears—in the world of belly rings.

Yes, Kelly had become the first girl in her school to get a large, brightly colored belly ring. And, of course, she got a sleazy outfit to highlight the belly ring.

I came home and saw the ring and the outfit. And I lost it.

I yelled. I screamed. I ranted and raved. I completely lost control.

So there I was in this quiet monastery, meditating on the moment.

And I asked myself: What was I thinking?

My first thought was, “Someone’s going to walk down the street and say, ‘What a cheap-looking kid. I wonder who her father is.’”

Even worse: “My own friends are going to say, ‘I’m amazed Marshall lets his daughter look this way.’”

Who was I concerned about—her, or me?

The deeper issue wasn’t her belly ring. It was my ego.

Now, if I had to do it over again, I still would’ve said, “Get rid of the belly ring.” But I didn’t have to scream. I didn’t have to lose control.

That’s the key. The second I lose control, the problem is no longer “out there.” The problem is in here.

So after you ask and listen, take a breath. Give yourself time. Think before you speak. Especially when emotions are running high.

That pause—that reflection—can change everything.

4. Thank

After you ask, listen, and think—thank people.

This one sounds easy, but it’s not. When people give us input, especially difficult feedback, it’s hard to say thank you. It’s much easier to get defensive. To argue. To correct. But when we do that, we shut the door on growth.

Saying “thank you” tells people you value their honesty. That you want to improve. That you’re not going to punish them for telling the truth.

I always ask people in my classes, “How many of you believe we should encourage input from coworkers?” Everyone raises their hand. “Should we listen to it?” Yes. “Should we encourage people to tell the truth?” Absolutely. “Should we punish the messenger?” Oh, no! That’s terrible.

Then I give a case study. A simple one.

You’ve had a hard day at work. You get in the car. You’re driving to the store. Your spouse or partner is in the passenger seat. It’s rush hour. Someone cuts you off. You’re frustrated.

A few minutes later, your partner says, “Look out, there’s a red light up ahead.”

Do you say, “Thank you”—or do you snap, “Don’t you think I can see? I know how to drive!”

How many of us have chosen that second option? Almost everyone.

Why do we yell? People give me all kinds of reasons—“I was tired,” “They said it in a bad tone”—but the truth is, it boils down to two words: ego and pride.

And yes, we pay the price later.

One man in my Dartmouth class shared a story. He said, “My wife used to always correct my driving. One day, I snapped. I told her, ‘I don’t need your help! I know how to drive!’”

He said two weeks later, he ran a stop sign, plowed into another car. It was entirely his fault. And what was the first thing he did? He looked at his wife and said, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

That’s the human ego. When someone gives you input, just say thank you. Don’t shoot the messenger. Don’t defend. Just say, “Thank you.”

And if someone doesn’t say it perfectly? If they say it with a bit of sting? Still—say thank you.

5. Respond

After thank comes respond. Now that you’ve gotten feedback—how do you respond to it?

This is where I’ve spent a lot of time coaching leaders, especially when it comes to 360-degree feedback. I’ve worked in this area for decades, and I know what works.

Here’s what I teach every leader I coach, and what I encourage you to do when you get feedback from others:

Let’s say I’ve just received 360-degree feedback from my coworkers. That means feedback from my direct reports, my peers, and my managers. Here’s exactly what I say:

“Ms. Coworker, we’re going through this feedback process. First, I want to say thank you to everyone who participated. I don’t know who said what, but I know a lot of people took the time to help me, and I want to say how much I appreciate that. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by learning from this feedback.”

“Second, a lot of my feedback was positive—about being ethical, dedicated, hardworking, caring about the customer, caring about the company, showing integrity and values, getting results. These things matter to me, and I’m grateful they showed up in the feedback. Thank you.”

Then I don’t say “but.” I say “and.”

“And there’s something I’d like to improve.”

“In the past, I’ve come off as stubborn, opinionated, not always the best listener. If I’ve done that to you or the people around you, I apologize. There’s no excuse. We all make mistakes, and when I make one, I want to own it. So, I’m sorry.”

“And moving forward, I’d like to get better. I’m not going to ask for feedback about the past. I’m going to ask for ideas about the future. If you have any ideas to help me be a better, more open-minded listener, I’d really appreciate them.”

That’s how you respond. Not by defending. Not by pretending. But by acknowledging the good, owning what needs work, and asking for help.

And one more thing—when people give you ideas, don’t judge them.

Let’s say I get three ideas. I say “Great idea” to the first. “Interesting idea” to the second. And nothing to the third.

What message have I just sent?

Excellent. Average. Fail.

Now I’m no longer listening. I’m grading. And people feel it.

So when you ask for input, say thank you—and then really listen. Don’t comment. Don’t correct. Just say thank you.

6. Involve

After you respond, the next step is to involve.

This is where things really start to come alive. If you want to create real, long-term positive change in your behavior, you can’t do it alone. You need support. You need people around you who are invested in your growth. You need to involve them.

Now, why is involvement so important?

Because when people aren’t involved, they tend to look for your old behavior. They wait for you to slip. They assume you haven’t changed. And they don’t give you the reinforcement or encouragement that you need to sustain momentum.

But when people are involved—when they’re part of the process—they become partners in your improvement.

If you want to make real change stick, you need to do two things:

1. Write down the specific behavior you want to change.

2. Get a support group of people who can help you change it.

Let them know what you’re working on. Ask for their help. Invite them to hold you accountable. Ask them what they see, what’s working, what’s not, and how you can keep getting better.

When you involve others, you multiply your chances of success.

7. Change

Now comes the hard part: you actually have to do the work.

You don’t get better just because you ask for feedback. You don’t get better just because you listen, think, or even thank. You get better because you do something different. You change.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Arnold Schwarzenegger. He said, “Nobody ever got muscles by watching me lift weights.” And he’s right. You’ve got to pick up the weight yourself. You’ve got to change your own behavior.

I’d been doing this work for twelve years before someone asked me the question that would change my life: “Does anybody ever really change?”

I had to stop and think. I had a PhD in organizational behavior, a background in mathematics, and a lot of experience—but I realized I didn’t actually know.

So for the next 25 years, I studied that question. I found out who changes and who doesn’t. Why people change and why they don’t. And the biggest difference between those who do and those who don’t can be summed up in one word: discipline.

You have to follow through. You have to stick with it.

This process isn’t just a good idea. It works. But only if you do it.

If you ask for input, listen, think, thank, respond, and involve—but then do nothing—guess what? You’ve actually done more harm than good. You’ve made people believe you were going to change. You raised expectations. And then you let them down.

The good news? If you do change—if you follow these steps and take action—you’ll see incredible results.

And that brings us to the final step: follow-up.

8. Follow-Up

The final step in the Stakeholder Centered Leadership process is follow-up—and it’s the one that makes all the others work.

You’ve asked for feedback. You’ve listened. You’ve thought it through. You’ve thanked people. You’ve responded. You’ve involved them. You’ve started to change. Now what?

Now you keep going.

You follow up.

Follow-up is what keeps the process alive. It’s what tells people, “I’m still working on this.” It’s what reminds you to stay committed. And it’s what separates the people who intend to change from the people who actually do.

Now, what does follow-up look like?

It’s not complicated. It’s positive, simple, focused, and fast.

Here’s what I teach my clients to do:

Every couple of months, go back to the people you’ve involved. Say something like this:

“Two months ago, I said I wanted to be a better listener. Based on the last two months, can you give me one or two suggestions for how I can keep improving over the next two months?”

That’s it. Then, two months later, go back again.

“Four months ago, I started working on being a better listener. Based on the last two months, what suggestions do you have for me going forward?”

Then six months. Then eight. Then ten.

Now, you might be wondering—does this really work?

Let me share the research.

I conducted a massive study called Leadership Is a Contact Sport. This study involved 86,000 people from around the world—across industries, countries, cultures, and levels of management. Every leader in the study received 360-degree feedback. Every leader was asked to pick one or two areas for improvement. Every leader was asked to respond, involve others, and follow up.

And then we followed up to see what happened.

We asked one simple question: “Has this person become a more effective leader?” The scale ranged from minus three (got worse) to plus three (got better).

Here’s what we found:

• Table 1: Leaders who did no follow-up? The results were almost a normal distribution—some better, some worse, mostly unchanged. Essentially, they might as well have watched sitcoms instead of going through the process. It was a waste of time.

• Table 2: Leaders who did a little follow-up? Slightly better.

• Table 3: Leaders who did some follow-up? Noticeably better.

• Table 4: Leaders who did frequent follow-up? Much better.

• Table 5: Leaders who did consistent, ongoing follow-up? Massive improvement.

These people often went to the same program. Taught by the same teacher (me). Got the same feedback. So what made the difference?

It wasn’t the training. It wasn’t the personality. It wasn’t even the content.

It was the follow-up.

What I learned is this: if you get better, it doesn’t have much to do with me. It has everything to do with you.

This process works. It doesn’t kind of work or sometimes work. It works. But only if you do it.

So here’s the full model:

Ask. Listen. Think. Thank. Respond. Involve. Change. Follow-Up.

And if you do these things—not just once, but consistently—you will become a more effective leader. You’ll be a better coworker. And you’ll be a better family member, too.

Because leadership isn’t a speech. It isn’t a title. And it isn’t about you.

It’s a contact sport.

And if you’re willing to stay in the game—to keep asking, listening, thinking, thanking, responding, involving, changing, and following up—you can win at what really matters.